Already There
by everhtorne
Summary: 'A second later, he was kissing my neck, sucking and nibbling until I was sure he'd left a mark. It was moments like this that I was able to forget everything bad about my life and I could just be in bliss. He leaned his face upwards for me to kiss and I didn't miss the opportunity to capture his lips in mine, warming me all the way to my toes.' Phan High School AU. R&R!


**A/N: I found this on my computer and thought I would post it. Feedback is always appreciated!**

* * *

I sighed as I woke up on Monday morning, dreading the day ahead as well as looking forward to it.

I hadn't had a chance to see Phil all weekend so I couldn't wait to get to school and finally be reunited with him after two long days; though despite trying to be glad about that as much as I could, part of my brain couldn't help but feel nervous and there was a definite knot in my stomach. I got like this every morning before school even though I knew it was stupid and irrational. Bullies were bullies and they were going to be there whether I liked it or not. It just kind of sucked that my (secret) boyfriend happened to be one of them.

The nervousness was especially bad this morning. The name-calling and picking on had definitely started to get worse lately. Every time I brought it up with Phil he'd tell me to stop being a broken record and talk about something else, so I stopped bringing it up. To be fair, he had a point. I couldn't rely on him for everything – if I wanted to do something about my bullies that was my own problem, not his. Thinking about Phil made me smile. I made a mental note not to bring up anything that would annoy him today. I just wanted to spend time with him and for everything to be good between us.

I plastered a smile on to my face as I got up and got dressed, straightening my hair and grabbing some food before heading out the door. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and quickly snatched it out reading the text from Phil. My smile felt a lot less forced once I read it, discovering that Phil wanted to meet me later. If I could just get through the day I could meet Phil after school and it would all be worth it.

Although that was easier said than done. Even just the trip to school left me exhausted and longing to skip the entire day as I hurried past the group of boys in the park who called out that I was an 'emo faggot' who 'didn't deserve to live' and threw their empty beer cans. I had become kind of immune to the insults to I just rolled my eyes and jogged past them, keeping my head down.

I breathed out a sigh of relief when I entered the somewhat safer vicinity of the school building. Every day I prayed a thank you that I was in year eleven and only had to put up with this shit for one more year. Approaching my locker, I slipped my bag off my shoulder and started rummaging through the textbooks to see which ones I wouldn't need for the morning.

As I closed my hand around a handful of items I felt the bag being ripped from my grip and watched it slide across the corridor, the remainder of the contents flying out and scattering over the floor. A few passers-by looked at me with pity but most just laughed. I turned in irritation seeing three of the year's most assholic bullies grinning at me as they continued to file down the hallway as if they hadn't done anything at all.

"Really original," I called after them sarcastically, thinking of all the other times they'd done this.

I rolled my eyes as the ringleader, Jack, grinned at me, trampling on my books with his muddy boots as he passed them just for effect. I kept my expression as neutral as I could though I was fuming inside. He was a first class knob who, clearly, had no imagination when it came to how he tried to piss me off. The worst part was that he was one of Phil's best friends and Phil genuinely didn't seem to get that he was a complete waste of air, despite proving it time and time again by tripping me in the corridor and throwing my books on the floor – and that was on a good day.

I gathered up the books and shuffled to my locker, throwing them inside and closing my eyes for just a moment to regain my calm_. Just one more stinking year and I can leave this place for good._

I tried not to think about how a year could be a pretty long time, though.

* * *

The chime of the bell signalling the end of the day was like a call from the heavens – I was beyond ready to leave. _Since when did a day at school get so… long?_ I wondered to myself as I made my way out the classroom door and down the hallway, hoping not to run into anyone…unpleasant on my way. My wishes were granted as the only person that I did collide with happened to be my boyfriend who I'd been longing to see all day.

"Phil," I beamed stepping closer to him happily.

"Oh, hey Dan, didn't see you there," he replied quietly avoiding my eyes and continuing to walk down the corridor without even slowing down to talk to me. "See you later."

He disappeared before I could even respond.

I continued walking with a sigh. He always acted this way at school. I understood that he didn't want people to find out about our relationship but I didn't see what harm there was in talking to me, even for just a second.

Either way, I tried not to think too hard about it because it wouldn't change anything. I'd thought about bringing it up on occasion – asking if it would be okay if we hung out at school together a little bit – but I always chickened out at the last minute. The last thing I wanted to do was upset him.

"Hey, Dan," came a voice beside me quietly.

I looked over to see a boy in my year PJ, who spoke to me from time to time. He seemed nice and was one of the only people who didn't want to smash my face in for whatever reason, I smiled at him and waved as he passed.

"Hi, PJ."

He smiled back a little before continuing his journey through the school. The happiness lasted for just a second before Jack and his minions stormed past me, one of them kicking me in the shins as they did so.

"Fuck off," I muttered, trying to hide my wince of pain.

Jack stopped, turning to face me.

"What did you say, you little prick?"

I avoided looking at him, but there was a scowl on my face. After countless confrontations with bullies I'd learnt that sometimes it was better to just say nothing at all. Unless you want to be in the middle of a fight that was three against one.

"That's what I thought," Jack snarled when I didn't answer him. He seemed as if he was about to leave but then remembered something amusing and returned his attention back to me. "I saw you trying to talk to Phil earlier. You're pathetic. You really think he'd ever want to be seen with _you_? Why don't you just do us all a favour, Howell, and just kill yourself. No one would miss you."

His mates laughed a little to back up his point. I just stood, continuing to ignore them and letting out the breath I didn't know I'd been holding when they turned and strutted away, Jack spitting on the floor as he did so.

"Hardcore," I muttered to myself with heavy sarcasm, attempting to make the situation a little more light-hearted.

Their comments didn't really bother me, honestly they didn't, I just always felt uneasy when they brought up Phil. It wasn't that I was worried they'd find out about us, it just always made me wonder what he said about me to them. Even though I knew it was all bullshit I couldn't help but feel a little hurt by it. I wondered if when they said no one would miss me if I died to him if he agreed. Probably.

I hitched my bag higher on my shoulder and continued to walk on, ignoring the stressed out protests from my brain.

* * *

It was nice when I finally got to see Phil.

We met up in our usual spot in the park – right at the back on an abandoned bench behind the lake where no one would be able to see us. It was getting dark and the air was cold but I didn't complain. I knew that Phil preferred meeting when it was darker so there was less chance of us being recognised.

"Hey," I smiled when he sat down.

He didn't even answer me, pulling my face into his until our lips met in a rough kiss. His tongue slipped into my mouth; his hands gripping me close to him. He pulled away a minute or two later, leaving me slightly out of breath.

"Hi."

I tried to regulate my breathing.

"How was your day?" I asked taking his hand and playing with his fingers, glad to finally be in his company after what felt like way too long.

"S'alright," he shrugged, "it was school. What do you expect?"

I rolled my eyes at him wondering what made school so hard for him.

"Well at least Jack wasn't being a complete asshole to you," I muttered, but immediately regretted saying it.

Phil pulled his hand away and I felt him grow tense.

"Hey, Jack's my mate. Whatever he said I'm sure it was just a joke."

"Right."

"Dan you need to either stand up to them or stop complaining about it. I don't know what you expect me to do about it."

I swallowed, trying not to look hurt. I decided it probably wouldn't be a good idea to mention how he could easily tell them to lay off me since they were so close and all. I hardly ever got to spend time with Phil these days and I just wanted to enjoy the time we did have together.

"You're right. I know. I'm sorry."

Phil breathed out, taking my hand and pulling me closer.

"Anyway can we stop talking about school? I want to spend some quality time with my boyfriend and I'm horny as fuck."

I grinned as he pressed his lips to mine again, shuffling forwards until he was halfway on top of me.

"Fine by me," I murmured, my entire body fizzing with some kind of electric current that only Phil seemed to be able to spark. His hands slipped under my T-shirt, sending shivers up my spine.

Suddenly I wasn't feeling so cold any more.

* * *

I lay in bed that night thinking about how much I loved being with Phil.

I wished we could be open about our relationship more than anything. But I knew that Phil would never go for it. He was too proud. And I knew I should be happy settling with the small amounts of time that I did get to spend with him but sometimes I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like. What it would be like to be in a proper relationship where I didn't have to worry about what I said to him in case he lost it, where I didn't have to fuck him in a park because he wanted it, no matter how good it was, where I didn't have to see the two personalities he possessed and how unforgiving he could be when he was surrounded by his friends. So many possibilities. But it didn't matter.

He was my Phil and I loved him.

* * *

"Get out the fucking way," one of the regular dickheads from school growled, shoving me to one side as he passed me in on the way to our next class and then cracking up when I tripped and smacked into the bulletin board upon the impact of his push. "What a fag."

I pushed myself off the wall, rubbing the side of my face that had hit the concrete. _Great. That will be a bruise tomorrow. _

"Are you alright?" PJ, the quiet boy who sometime spoke to me, asked looking oddly concerned.

"I'm fine," I snapped fiercely in annoyance turning and walking away. I froze a few steps later, feeling a pang of guilt at my unnecessary rudeness. It had nothing to do with him – it was just this week. It was only Wednesday and I was already ready to give up with school entirely. When I turned, though, he was nowhere in sight. Damn.

"Way to be an asshole, Howell," I grumbled, making my way to English.

"Look at the little twat talking to himself," a deep voice chuckled and I didn't have to turn around to see that it was Jack.

"Seriously, just go away," I told him over my shoulder, continuing to walk on and shaking my head. I immediately realised that it was a mistake though – I _knew_ that it always turned out better if you just didn't answer them back.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Jack demanded rhetorically, flooring me from behind in a sudden movement and landing a punch in my stomach.

I let out a cry, only because he'd caught me by surprise_. Stupid fucking idiot_, I whined to myself in my head. _Why can't you just keep your mouth shut?_ I curled into a ball, clutching my stomach and breathing hard.

"Don't ever answer me back you little bitch," he hissed in my ear before pulling back and marching off. The corridor cleared for him like he was some kind of holy being which only made me angrier. Why did he have so much respect in this goddamn school? What was so great about him that no one ever dared to challenge?

I groaned, getting to my feet and shouldering my bag, trying not to hunch over as I made my way to the nearest bathrooms, shoving the door backwards and locking myself in a cubicle. It felt marginally better when there wasn't a crowd of people glaring at me, whether they looked on in amusement or sympathy.

I collapsed onto the floor even though it was gross and dirty and covered in god knows what, placing my head in my hands and breathing heavily. I wondered how much longer I could go on with his. How long until it drove me insane. How long until I couldn't bear the thought of coming to school at all anymore.

I shook my head as I thought about how Phil was friends with these dickwads; how he genuinely believed that they were good people. Did he not see how much they were hurting me? How could he bare to be around them when he knew how much they hated me for absolutely no reason?

My head swam with questions and my stomach ached, so decided that I wouldn't go to my next lesson even though I'd already been called out for truancy more times this year so far than I could even remember.

Sometimes it was easier to just be alone.

* * *

I was going to confront Phil tonight.

Not in an aggressive way – I didn't think I could be aggressive if I tried – I just wanted him to know what I was feeling. I thought about what I was going to say and how angry I still was about his so-called mates being knobs when he arrived and somehow it all went out of my head. He looked so beautiful in the dark of the night with the moonlight illuminating his pale skin and his ebony hair blending into the navy night sky. How could I ever be angry at him? He was my perfect Phil.

"You're late," I joked as he sat down, leaning against me immediately.

"Don't," he mumbled, stroking one hand across my chest. "I don't need the hassle tonight, Dan."

"I was just messing with you," I huffed, even though I didn't really see what was wrong with wondering just why he was so late. "Sorry."

"It's alright."

A second later, he was kissing my neck, sucking and nibbling until I was sure he'd left a mark. It was moments like this that I was able to forget everything bad about my life and I could just be in bliss. He leaned his face upwards for me to kiss and I didn't miss the opportunity to capture his lips in mine, warming me all the way to my toes.

"Look Dan we need to talk for a sec," he stated, pulling away for a second.

I nodded, actually glad to hear that from him. He hardly ever wanted to talk but I loved our conversations.

"I heard about what happened with you and Jack earlier." I felt my hopes rising up, wondering if he'd finally realised that his friends weren't worth the breath he wasted talking to them. "You shouldn't rile him up like that; you know what he's like. It would be really helpful if you could just – I don't know stay out his way or something?"

My face fell noticeably and my heart sunk deep in my chest. It took me a second to realise that he was waiting for me to respond.

"Do you really think I go looking for trouble? Do you not think I _try_ to avoid him?" My voice was breathy with disbelief. I couldn't understand why he didn't see how much I suffered every day at the hand of his mates. And he thought it was _my_ fault?

"Come on, don't take it so personally. You know I'm not having a go at you, I'm just saying."

I shook my head.

"Yeah well, I don't know what you expect me to do-" I felt my throat closing up but I was determined not to cry.

Phil didn't say anything, patting me on the hand and waiting for me to calm down.

"I suppose I did answer him back today," I muttered a minute later, thinking about how I could probably have avoided him walloping me if I had just been quiet.

"Look, it's alright. I forgive you."

I wasn't sure if I should have been taking the whole blame but I nodded anyway, letting him take my hands and kiss my knuckles. He was so soft and gentle and when he tugged my jeans down I just let him because it felt so good to be loved.

"You do love me, don't you?" I asked him, running one hand through his hair and smelling his shower gel.

Phil laughed a little.

"Of course I do, you idiot."

The thing was, although I knew that he probably could have treated me better and that he was probably ashamed of me being his boyfriend, I believed him when he answered me. Because I loved him too – so, so much. Whatever problems there were, we could work them out because that's what you do when you love someone. So when he asked if I wanted a blowjob to make it all better I just nodded and even though I knew that we should talk more instead of fucking at the back of a park every night, a part of me couldn't help but enjoy it.

Because he was my Phil and I loved him just the way he was.

* * *

It started before I even got to school that day.

"I saw you at the park with Phil yesterday," one boy heckled at me shoving me in to a tree trunk. We were in that very same park now, the one which I had to pass on my way to school. Yet it didn't look like that was going to be happening today.

"Why can't you just leave him alone, you fucking faggot?" That was Jack, who shoved me to the ground, scooping up my bag and hurtling it into the lake_. Fuck_.

"You're never gonna have friends here, just stop trying."

I lost track of who said which comment as the group of boys closed in on me and the insults came thick and fast, along with the kicks and punches. I didn't bother trying to fight back, I just shut my eyes and waited for them to leave me alone.

"Why are you such a gay little prick?" They'd ask me, kicking me in the face so that I couldn't answer and then laughing when I cried out. I could feel the blood running down my face from the repetitive slams. I kept telling myself that they'd get bored soon but they didn't seem to let up. It didn't take long for every part of my body to be aching.

I wasn't sure how long it carried on for. Honestly? Probably about five minutes. But it felt like hours. Blow after blow they tore pieces away from me until I barely cared any more.

When I was close to breaking point, wondering how I was even still conscious, it was like some kind of miracle occurred and through my bleary eyes and muddy face I could just make out a figure coming towards us, a figure who happened to be my boyfriend.

"Phil?" I croaked out, struggling to sit up but Jack just kicked me down again when he noticed.

"Hey, Phil!" he exclaimed, brightening up when he saw him approaching. "Look who we found wondering through our territory this morning."

Phil avoided looking at me, laughing a little.

"Brandon says he saw the little shit with you in the park yesterday what's that about?"

I held my breath slightly, wondering what excuse he was going to use. I knew he would never tell the truth even though I personally didn't see what was so bad about it.

"The freak started following me home. I don't even know, the kid's weird."

The whole group of boys burst out laughing, at my expense as usual, and I tried to tell myself that Phil was only saying that because he had no choice. He had to tell them what they wanted to hear.

Of course, I knew that was complete bullshit, though. He could have said whatever he wanted and he chose that. I felt myself shaking.

"You're such a fucking creep, Howell. I hope you taught him a lesson."

Phil chuckled, rolling his eyes.

"Of course I did. Anyway, come on, guys let's go now."

Jack looked at me and shrugged.

"Yeah, fine."

Phil took a step closer to where I was pathetically sprawled out on the floor like a rag doll and he looked me right in the eyes. His eyes, which I usually thought of as more cerulean and clear than the ocean itself and more beautiful than anything I'd ever seen before, were nothing but harsh and angry-looking today. He kicked me in the side of the head, using all his force and my entire body rolled to one side. The rest of the boys cheered in approval, slapping him on the back and throwing their heads back in laughter.

I saw the blood on his boots as he walked away and my vision slowly faded out.

* * *

I wasn't sitting on the bench that night when Phil showed up.

I was standing with my hands by sides, balled into fists to channel some of the tension in my body. I had made my decision that afternoon. After waking up dizzy and broken, I'd missed the entire day of school which would undoubtedly have gone down as me skipping again. Not a single person who'd passed through the park had come to see if I was even alive. That included Phil.

"Look before you start-" I hadn't seen him approach but suddenly Phil was there, walking towards me looking exhausted.

"No. You can just fuck off Phil; I'll say whatever I damn well want to."

"If you're gonna be a prick about what happened-"

"If _I'm_ gonna be a prick? Phil you just stood there. You just _fucking stood there_. Actually no, scratch that, you joined in. They didn't even ask you to. You _chose_ to do that."

"I didn't choose anything, Dan! I had to! Do you really think they would have believed me if I'd have left you there? I had to make it believable!"

I closed my eyes, taking a breath to calm myself down.

"You chose them over me. _Again_."

"Oh, come on. You know how much I love you."

"Do I? You treat me like shit, you use me for sex – is that really what love is to you? Because I can't do it anymore Phil. I can't do it."

I felt the tears building in my eyes even though I hated looking weak like that.

Phil threw his hands up in exasperation.

"You make out that I'm the one who caused the whole thing. I didn't ask for this!"

I shook my head.

"You just don't get it, do you?" I took a step backwards, the first tear rolling down my freezing cheek until I tasted the salty water. "I love you so much. I want to be with you Phil. I want us to have our happy ending but this isn't it. I deserve better than this. We can't be together unless you're going to change."

Phil looked massively hurt at first and I wondered for a second if he was going to cry. Then his expression hardened and he scowled at me, taking another step so there was even more of a gap between us.

"Fine. Because I'm not going to change, not for anyone. This is who I am. You say you love me but you obviously don't. I've never asked you to fucking change for me, have I?"

I ignored him, scrubbing the tears from my face that were now coming thicker and faster than before. This wasn't how I had been expecting him to react.

"I don't want to break up. I love you," my voice was tiny and scared.

Phil acted as if he hadn't heard me, turning and walking away into the darkness, leaving me alone and cold and broken beyond repair.

"And you're wrong, by the way," he called over his shoulder, his voice cracking. "You don't deserve better."

* * *

I couldn't sleep.

I lay in bed starring at the dark ceiling and I had never felt so much guilt and regret in all my life.

I wanted to be happy that I was now free from feeling like I wasn't good enough, like I had to feel bad for everything I did. Ending my relationship with Phil had solved so many problems.

Yet all I could think of was what a big mistake it was. I hadn't been lying when I said I had loved him, more than I could possibly describe. But sometimes you have to give up what you love to improve the bigger picture. It was hard to think about that now as all I wanted to do was curl up in his warm embrace and let him tell me about how he's missed me.

I'd never felt more lonely.

I honestly couldn't work out whether I'd just solved all my problems… or made the biggest mistake of my life. My eyes were red from crying.

All I did know was that now I had one more bully to worry about.


End file.
